It is official.
I am the wimpiest sick person on the face of the planet.
If I were my own patient, I would make me tear out my hair!
Happily, I am recovering, and feel find today. As opposed to yesterday when even my usually cozy flannel pj's HURT me. Every nerve somehow managed to hurt, and it was ridiculously cold. I'm rather glad that it is over. I hope it stays over now!
I have this Google Analytics thing that says how many times people have visited your site, and I noticed that despite my lack of posting, there were still many visits to my site...now I'm certain that most of them were actually junk visits from those strange internet things that are kind of annoying (someone I know just had a comment from one of them...it was some sort of strange thing all about Uggs), but on the mere chance that some of the visits were from real people who I know and love, then I thought perhaps I ought to update.
A strange thing happened to me the other day, and perhaps it wasn't that strange, but it was a wow moment. A coworker was upset about something that she realized she had missed, and she texted me to tell me about it, and ask for my advice. Which is crazy! I feel like there are so many other people who she could have gone to, and yet she picked me. Which I have no problem with, it's just hard to see myself in that kind of a position. A position where people think I'm a good person to turn to.
My first year of nursing is almost up. In fact, the last shifts of my first year will be three 12 hour shifts on December 24, 25, and 26. I've checked the schedule and am very excited about the people I'll be working with those nights. It's not a bad group of people to end my first year of nursing with. Now, if only I knew that the 2nd year would be better. If only I knew things like what kind of nurse I want to be!! Or how to get rid of coworkers that you really don't like.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be at this thing at church. And, I'm already a half hour late. So, I should go. Toodles!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Getting It Together
Today I realized that in 1 week and 2 months I will have been finished school for an entire year, and like all the other mile markers in my life, it is nothing like I expected it to be.
In elementary school, you look at the high school kids, and they have it all together.
In high school, you look at the college kids, and they have it all together.
In college, well, clearly, the graduates, out there working and living the dream, they have it all together.
Well, here I am. Working hard, and "living the dream" and I don' t have it all together.
An entire year of nursing will soon be over. I'm not as smart as I hoped to be, but neither am I as stupid as I was afraid I could be. How does an entire year go by...how did I become "senior staff"?? How is it that I teach student nurses? And sort of live by myself? How come I'm in Winnipeg, even though I don't know where else to be?
Perhaps, this seeking to "have it all together" is the wrong thing to strive for.
On a completely other note, now that I have had a really good day at work, and have Sunday off, and then have something to do written on every single day of my calendar for the next week, and now that it's only 1 week left of a crazy last 2.5 weeks of the month I think I can make it to the end of next week. November will be a new month, and the first time in what feels like several weeks (but hasn't really been that long) that I will have more than 1 day off at a time. HUGE sigh of relief.
I think I need to sleep now. And see if i have sweet dreams.
In elementary school, you look at the high school kids, and they have it all together.
In high school, you look at the college kids, and they have it all together.
In college, well, clearly, the graduates, out there working and living the dream, they have it all together.
Well, here I am. Working hard, and "living the dream" and I don' t have it all together.
An entire year of nursing will soon be over. I'm not as smart as I hoped to be, but neither am I as stupid as I was afraid I could be. How does an entire year go by...how did I become "senior staff"?? How is it that I teach student nurses? And sort of live by myself? How come I'm in Winnipeg, even though I don't know where else to be?
Perhaps, this seeking to "have it all together" is the wrong thing to strive for.
On a completely other note, now that I have had a really good day at work, and have Sunday off, and then have something to do written on every single day of my calendar for the next week, and now that it's only 1 week left of a crazy last 2.5 weeks of the month I think I can make it to the end of next week. November will be a new month, and the first time in what feels like several weeks (but hasn't really been that long) that I will have more than 1 day off at a time. HUGE sigh of relief.
I think I need to sleep now. And see if i have sweet dreams.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Why Sleep Deprivation is Not Really Good for a Person
Was working lots and lots with only single days off at a time, then packing, and moving, and not actually moving my stuff, and 3 night shifts later I don't know how I made it through. I know I really really drew on a couple of people, borrowing their energy and perspective to help me survive. Thank you. I doubt that many of them read this, but its a thank you that shall float out into the world, find them, and just bring them a random thought that will make them smile.
I have a new (and super fantastic) job. I shall be hanging out with a super sweet little girl named Briony once a week. She's 10 months old, and loves to dance and giggle. I am so excited that I get to hang out and be a little part of her life!
Today I picked up a book that I ordered. The Cat's Pajama's by Ray Bradbury. I decided to read some of his stories, but not 100...because I don't want to read that much of his writing. I enjoyed the first story I read. "Chrysalis" (Not the famous one, a different one). It was thought provoking. I shall have to think about it some more.
Anway, I'm seriously difting. My mind is wandering and is kind of broken. I have been told that public forums are not appropriate places to vent, and I think this is public...although, I don't know who actually read this...but I'm going to find a happy distraction. Perhaps some Firefly. Or, it sounds like someone else (other than the engaged couple cuddled on the couch) is home. Or, Dre said she might think of something for us to do (we're neighbors now...temporarily anyway).
Oh. I know! I'm supposed to call my Aunt and Uncle. Perhaps that is what I shall do. :)
Goodnight!
I have a new (and super fantastic) job. I shall be hanging out with a super sweet little girl named Briony once a week. She's 10 months old, and loves to dance and giggle. I am so excited that I get to hang out and be a little part of her life!
Today I picked up a book that I ordered. The Cat's Pajama's by Ray Bradbury. I decided to read some of his stories, but not 100...because I don't want to read that much of his writing. I enjoyed the first story I read. "Chrysalis" (Not the famous one, a different one). It was thought provoking. I shall have to think about it some more.
Anway, I'm seriously difting. My mind is wandering and is kind of broken. I have been told that public forums are not appropriate places to vent, and I think this is public...although, I don't know who actually read this...but I'm going to find a happy distraction. Perhaps some Firefly. Or, it sounds like someone else (other than the engaged couple cuddled on the couch) is home. Or, Dre said she might think of something for us to do (we're neighbors now...temporarily anyway).
Oh. I know! I'm supposed to call my Aunt and Uncle. Perhaps that is what I shall do. :)
Goodnight!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Packing
Today I am packing.
Which means I slept in until 10, had a shower, ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich, watched an episode of America's Next Top Model, and am now blogging while debating if I should make some soup or not.
Blah. I hate moving.
Which means I slept in until 10, had a shower, ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich, watched an episode of America's Next Top Model, and am now blogging while debating if I should make some soup or not.
Blah. I hate moving.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Not Sure What's Going to Come Out Now
I hate it when a patient is made palliative.
The Dr's write the order, and I don't know how they feel, but I know how I feel when I go into the room and I disconnect the IV, I stop checking their vital signs, I stop giving them medication. All that nourished, sustained, or tried to fix and maintain some semblence of "making them better" is gone. I can't imagine being the Dr who has to convince the family that this is what is best. I can't imagine writing the order to discontinue everything except for the things that will keep the patient comfortable until they die. I only know what it's like to carry the order out.
It's very sobering. Taking someone's IV fluids that were their only source of nourishment. I take it down and I know that my action will lead to this person's death. I know that the death would only have been delayed otherwise, but in that moment I feel, very poignantly yet subtly that I have failed.
If I was a better nurse I could have turned this patient around.
Why do I think this? I have no idea. Clearly I am not God, and in no way shape or form have the ability to cure someone. But, it's the health care worker way. Our initial goal is to diagnose, treat, discharge home, and when we discover that no matter what we do this patient will most likely die, we must change our goal to help them die in a dignified and comfortable manner and that often feels like we've failed.
And I'm not going to say that we shouldn't feel this way. Because I do feel this way. As irrational as it is, when I take down that IV fluid, I feel like I have let this person down. Like somehow, I should have had some sort of crazy amazing thought that would have been able to stop the brain from bleeding, the cancer from spreading, made the infection vanish, or fixed that damaged-beyond-repair liver. Because that was why I went to school for 4 years. Because that is less painful than reality.
Reality where people die, and I let them. Where they die, and I give them morphine to make them comfortable, scopalomine to help them breathe easier. Where they die and I softly ask family members if there is anything I can do for them.
In other news, over the weekend like 2 patients died. 1 kind of traumatically despite his families fierce denial that he was terminal. The other alone. So alone that we had no one to notify of his death, and his body was still in the morgue on Monday. Which was incredibly sad because I really liked this patient. He was a frequent flyer, and was incredibly way sicker than he realized. And he just died. Just like that. The end of his story. Then, Monday morning at the start of my shift, before I was even out of report 1 of my patients died. It was kind of expected, but he deteriorated really really quickly. My cat, back home, is sick too. She has tumours. At least 1, that was originally on a toe that was amputated, and now it's even bigger on her foot. Our choices are to completely amputate her leg at the shoulder and hope that there are no more tumors waiting to grow all over her body and hope that she will live out the rest of her life and forgive us for taking her leg (she's 13 years old) or put her down.
I should get back to packing and doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. Instead of dwelling on all this death.
You should probably go do something fun now too. Something that will make you smile. :)
The Dr's write the order, and I don't know how they feel, but I know how I feel when I go into the room and I disconnect the IV, I stop checking their vital signs, I stop giving them medication. All that nourished, sustained, or tried to fix and maintain some semblence of "making them better" is gone. I can't imagine being the Dr who has to convince the family that this is what is best. I can't imagine writing the order to discontinue everything except for the things that will keep the patient comfortable until they die. I only know what it's like to carry the order out.
It's very sobering. Taking someone's IV fluids that were their only source of nourishment. I take it down and I know that my action will lead to this person's death. I know that the death would only have been delayed otherwise, but in that moment I feel, very poignantly yet subtly that I have failed.
If I was a better nurse I could have turned this patient around.
Why do I think this? I have no idea. Clearly I am not God, and in no way shape or form have the ability to cure someone. But, it's the health care worker way. Our initial goal is to diagnose, treat, discharge home, and when we discover that no matter what we do this patient will most likely die, we must change our goal to help them die in a dignified and comfortable manner and that often feels like we've failed.
And I'm not going to say that we shouldn't feel this way. Because I do feel this way. As irrational as it is, when I take down that IV fluid, I feel like I have let this person down. Like somehow, I should have had some sort of crazy amazing thought that would have been able to stop the brain from bleeding, the cancer from spreading, made the infection vanish, or fixed that damaged-beyond-repair liver. Because that was why I went to school for 4 years. Because that is less painful than reality.
Reality where people die, and I let them. Where they die, and I give them morphine to make them comfortable, scopalomine to help them breathe easier. Where they die and I softly ask family members if there is anything I can do for them.
In other news, over the weekend like 2 patients died. 1 kind of traumatically despite his families fierce denial that he was terminal. The other alone. So alone that we had no one to notify of his death, and his body was still in the morgue on Monday. Which was incredibly sad because I really liked this patient. He was a frequent flyer, and was incredibly way sicker than he realized. And he just died. Just like that. The end of his story. Then, Monday morning at the start of my shift, before I was even out of report 1 of my patients died. It was kind of expected, but he deteriorated really really quickly. My cat, back home, is sick too. She has tumours. At least 1, that was originally on a toe that was amputated, and now it's even bigger on her foot. Our choices are to completely amputate her leg at the shoulder and hope that there are no more tumors waiting to grow all over her body and hope that she will live out the rest of her life and forgive us for taking her leg (she's 13 years old) or put her down.
I should get back to packing and doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. Instead of dwelling on all this death.
You should probably go do something fun now too. Something that will make you smile. :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
September Summer Days
Now that it is September, the sun has come out to shine and bring us some crazy intense heat. It seems a little strange to be walking down the street with the leaves crunching under your feet and the heat beating down on you...well...I suppose with the humidity it just beats all around.
Not much has been going on. Since I last actually wrote a blog that was not about juice, I've been home. To Alberta. I wish, sometimes, that I had never left, and yet I know that it is me and not the place I am at that is in need of change. I need to freshen up my perspective. See the sunshine. It's hard to do though, when everything is up in the air. I still need a place to live. People, apparently, love me, and would love to live with me. But none of them can stand my dog. Which is very unfortunate indeed. She's not really that bad of a dog...I think. It's become a challenge to not kind of resent the fact that I have a dog. I absolutely love my dog, and while she was away I missed her something fierce. Plus, I also feel like it I bail on this, then I'm going to bail on any other committment I make in the near or far future. And that would just make me a lame lame person. So, I shall continue to stalk kijiji. I shall continue to talk to strangers. And *hope* that maybe, one of them will give us a place to live.
Speaking of bailing out on things...I have just now bailed out on 2 things! Yay for me. The first was a self-challange to buy this book of 100 Ray Bradbury short stories and read them and reflect and become a little more cultured. Yeah. Like I can read Ray Bradbury. I remember 2 stories of his that I read in highschool. One was about a little girl who had been born on earth, ad remembered the sun, and her family moved to Venus. There it always rained, and they saw the sun like 1 day every *a lot of years...don't remember how many*. For all the children she went to school with this would be the first time they would see the sun, and she was looking forward to seeing the sun again, because she missed the light. The other children resented her for remembering the sun, and she was a kind of outcast because of it. While the children were in the classroom waiting, the teacher was out of the room, and the kids locked the little girl in the closet as a joke, threatening to leave her in there while the sun was shining. Then the sun came out, the teacher came to take the class out, and they ran out. Forgetting, until the end of the sunshine that they had left the little girl locked in the closet. And she missed the sun. That story still makes me want to cry. Such a sad story. The other Ray Bradbury story I remember had something to do the entire human population being dead, and the automated house stuff continued to perform its duties. So, as you can see, the pursuit of 100 Ray Bradbury stories may make me very depressed/dark/sad/start-wearing-black-scrubs-and-scaring-all-my-patients.
The other thing I may have bailed on is doing a triathalon with Dre. I was all for it, then I sat on the floor in Chapters and read about the training. And that was where my training ended. I have not got enough time for all that. Ha ha. So we'll see. Perhaps, I will be able to justify, and what-not and then do a triathalon...or drown in the 1st lap.
It turns out that Anything is possible...so we'll see.
Til next time, enjoy the sun. Or whatever weather you happen to be having.
Not much has been going on. Since I last actually wrote a blog that was not about juice, I've been home. To Alberta. I wish, sometimes, that I had never left, and yet I know that it is me and not the place I am at that is in need of change. I need to freshen up my perspective. See the sunshine. It's hard to do though, when everything is up in the air. I still need a place to live. People, apparently, love me, and would love to live with me. But none of them can stand my dog. Which is very unfortunate indeed. She's not really that bad of a dog...I think. It's become a challenge to not kind of resent the fact that I have a dog. I absolutely love my dog, and while she was away I missed her something fierce. Plus, I also feel like it I bail on this, then I'm going to bail on any other committment I make in the near or far future. And that would just make me a lame lame person. So, I shall continue to stalk kijiji. I shall continue to talk to strangers. And *hope* that maybe, one of them will give us a place to live.
Speaking of bailing out on things...I have just now bailed out on 2 things! Yay for me. The first was a self-challange to buy this book of 100 Ray Bradbury short stories and read them and reflect and become a little more cultured. Yeah. Like I can read Ray Bradbury. I remember 2 stories of his that I read in highschool. One was about a little girl who had been born on earth, ad remembered the sun, and her family moved to Venus. There it always rained, and they saw the sun like 1 day every *a lot of years...don't remember how many*. For all the children she went to school with this would be the first time they would see the sun, and she was looking forward to seeing the sun again, because she missed the light. The other children resented her for remembering the sun, and she was a kind of outcast because of it. While the children were in the classroom waiting, the teacher was out of the room, and the kids locked the little girl in the closet as a joke, threatening to leave her in there while the sun was shining. Then the sun came out, the teacher came to take the class out, and they ran out. Forgetting, until the end of the sunshine that they had left the little girl locked in the closet. And she missed the sun. That story still makes me want to cry. Such a sad story. The other Ray Bradbury story I remember had something to do the entire human population being dead, and the automated house stuff continued to perform its duties. So, as you can see, the pursuit of 100 Ray Bradbury stories may make me very depressed/dark/sad/start-wearing-black-scrubs-and-scaring-all-my-patients.
The other thing I may have bailed on is doing a triathalon with Dre. I was all for it, then I sat on the floor in Chapters and read about the training. And that was where my training ended. I have not got enough time for all that. Ha ha. So we'll see. Perhaps, I will be able to justify, and what-not and then do a triathalon...or drown in the 1st lap.
It turns out that Anything is possible...so we'll see.
Til next time, enjoy the sun. Or whatever weather you happen to be having.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A Wish List
I wish that we lived in a world where fruit juice did not cost more than orange pop.
But it does.
And so bad things happen...to people...who can't always fight back.
Especially, when no one bothered to tell them that water is the best choice.
But it does.
And so bad things happen...to people...who can't always fight back.
Especially, when no one bothered to tell them that water is the best choice.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
More than a Myth
When I was in highschool we had an entire section in English about Mythology. I loved it. Not only did I get to make a paper-mache Pegasus (with wings made out of blue and green feather dusters), but it was also a collection of stories! You may (or may not) know this, but I love stories. I love to hear them. I love to tell them. I love browsing books for them. I love watching people listen to them. I even love making them up!
One particular myth that really and truly fascinated me (and still does), was the story of Narcissus and Echo. It goes something like this:
Once there was a nymph named Echo, who was in love with a beautiful young man named Narcissus. He was rather vain, and had spurned all the advances of the other young women he knew. One day, Echo followed Narcissus into the woods, but was afraid to approach him or speak first. When he finally heard her in the woods he called out "Who's there?" and she repeated "Who's there?". It continued, like a kind of game: he would call out "Who's there?" and she would answer (flirtatiously???) "Who's there?" Finally, Echo became brave enough to run out, hoping to rush into his arms, but he rebuffed her advances, and sent her away. Echo was crushed, and spent the rest of her days wandering through lonely glens and deep caverns until all that remained was her voice. The goddess Nemesis heard Echo's voice pining for Narcissus and decided to punish him for ruining the young nymph. When Narcissus was walking through the woods, he became very thirsty. Finding a deep pond he knelt down, and leaned over to drink, but caught a glimpse of his reflection in the water and fell in love. He was so smitten by his reflection that he remained there, at the edge of the pond, staring until he died, and in the place where he died a flower eventually grew up and was given his name.
One particular myth that really and truly fascinated me (and still does), was the story of Narcissus and Echo. It goes something like this:
Once there was a nymph named Echo, who was in love with a beautiful young man named Narcissus. He was rather vain, and had spurned all the advances of the other young women he knew. One day, Echo followed Narcissus into the woods, but was afraid to approach him or speak first. When he finally heard her in the woods he called out "Who's there?" and she repeated "Who's there?". It continued, like a kind of game: he would call out "Who's there?" and she would answer (flirtatiously???) "Who's there?" Finally, Echo became brave enough to run out, hoping to rush into his arms, but he rebuffed her advances, and sent her away. Echo was crushed, and spent the rest of her days wandering through lonely glens and deep caverns until all that remained was her voice. The goddess Nemesis heard Echo's voice pining for Narcissus and decided to punish him for ruining the young nymph. When Narcissus was walking through the woods, he became very thirsty. Finding a deep pond he knelt down, and leaned over to drink, but caught a glimpse of his reflection in the water and fell in love. He was so smitten by his reflection that he remained there, at the edge of the pond, staring until he died, and in the place where he died a flower eventually grew up and was given his name.
See. It's a fascinating story (although, that version is one that I sort of got from wikipedia and sort of just how I remembered it. A strange combination, but I think you get the jist of it). At the time I first learnt the story, I think it held such a draw for me because it seemed so strange to fall in love with your reflection, when at the time, I could not imagine anything more detestable than my reflection. Now, however, I think that narcissism is pretty rampant. To some extent we all are focussed on ourselves, but we manage to stop staring at ourselves long enough to realize that there are other brilliant things in the world to love.
Maybe that's why I try so hard to be loving and generous and thoughtfull: to make up for all the time I spend thinking about myself.
So I don't turn into a flower. (Although, I can't help but wonder: "What would a Katie flower look like?"
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
London Bridge is Falling Down!
Well, the bridge in discussion is not actually in London (far from it to be exact)! It's the St. Adolphe Bridge out here in good ol' Manitoba. And as the bridge slowly topples into the murky depths of the Red River, so it seems, does everything in my life.
(To avoid sounding miserable and complain-y, I am going to write about a good thing for every bad and I'm limiting myself to 1 bad thing in this post)
-My house seems to suddenly be BURSTING with people. Some I know, some I don't know, some who have scary "Mine!" issues (a "Mine!" issue being defined as: that period of time when we were were little and all of our toys were "Mine!" when the neighbor kid came over to play). This is very odd to me. I believe the most severe case of "Mine!" I experienced went like this: I was probably 5-gonna-be-6-in-a-week and it was Christmas. I had gotten a My Little Pony for Christmas, and my little probably 3 year old 2nd cousin was over to celebrate the holiday. Guess who wanted to play with my brand new My Little Pony? She did (and obviously so did I, or this would not be much of a "Mine!" story). How did I solve this problem? I grabbed my toy, ran up the stairs, and slammed my bedroom door. I was a smart little girl, and I knew that stairs and doors would only stall the determined 3 year old for a short time, so I wisely sat in front of the door and braced myself against the wall so that the door could not be opened. Happily, this was a long time ago, and I have not felt the urge to hold doors closed in order to keep something all to myself in quite some time.
It turns out that not everyone is able to overcome the "Mine!" urge...so here, let me introduce you to what I am told my new roommate is like:
Although, I don't really think she'll be as manly. It's just so silly, cuz how she came to be here seems to be some sort of awkward accident that there is no way to really fix. Sigh. One more reason to become a hermit.
-So now the good. On the weekend I went out to Carman and hung out with some great family members of mine who were out for a wedding. My Aunt and Uncle, and cousins, and grandma. The greatest part about this was that I got to meet my tiny 6 week old baby cousin for the first time ever!!! His name is Jaxon, and he's the cutest little baby ever!! (He has a complete head of hair, and does not look like he's only 6 weeks old!!).
On that note, I returned from Carman and then on Monday I got to meet (and babysit) the sweetest little girl ever! Her name is Briony, and she is 9 months old. She loves to play and everything makes her giggle. I had so much fun hanging out with this little girl, and I really hope I get to babysit again sometime! I feel like it went well. :)
That's all folks, I gotta get some sleep so I can go get a massage in the morning!! (She's going to find out why my neck did that wonky thing I told you about previously)!
Goodnight!!
(To avoid sounding miserable and complain-y, I am going to write about a good thing for every bad and I'm limiting myself to 1 bad thing in this post)
-My house seems to suddenly be BURSTING with people. Some I know, some I don't know, some who have scary "Mine!" issues (a "Mine!" issue being defined as: that period of time when we were were little and all of our toys were "Mine!" when the neighbor kid came over to play). This is very odd to me. I believe the most severe case of "Mine!" I experienced went like this: I was probably 5-gonna-be-6-in-a-week and it was Christmas. I had gotten a My Little Pony for Christmas, and my little probably 3 year old 2nd cousin was over to celebrate the holiday. Guess who wanted to play with my brand new My Little Pony? She did (and obviously so did I, or this would not be much of a "Mine!" story). How did I solve this problem? I grabbed my toy, ran up the stairs, and slammed my bedroom door. I was a smart little girl, and I knew that stairs and doors would only stall the determined 3 year old for a short time, so I wisely sat in front of the door and braced myself against the wall so that the door could not be opened. Happily, this was a long time ago, and I have not felt the urge to hold doors closed in order to keep something all to myself in quite some time.
It turns out that not everyone is able to overcome the "Mine!" urge...so here, let me introduce you to what I am told my new roommate is like:
Although, I don't really think she'll be as manly. It's just so silly, cuz how she came to be here seems to be some sort of awkward accident that there is no way to really fix. Sigh. One more reason to become a hermit.
-So now the good. On the weekend I went out to Carman and hung out with some great family members of mine who were out for a wedding. My Aunt and Uncle, and cousins, and grandma. The greatest part about this was that I got to meet my tiny 6 week old baby cousin for the first time ever!!! His name is Jaxon, and he's the cutest little baby ever!! (He has a complete head of hair, and does not look like he's only 6 weeks old!!).
On that note, I returned from Carman and then on Monday I got to meet (and babysit) the sweetest little girl ever! Her name is Briony, and she is 9 months old. She loves to play and everything makes her giggle. I had so much fun hanging out with this little girl, and I really hope I get to babysit again sometime! I feel like it went well. :)
That's all folks, I gotta get some sleep so I can go get a massage in the morning!! (She's going to find out why my neck did that wonky thing I told you about previously)!
Goodnight!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
It's Still August Ya Know
I've pulled out my flannel pajama's. That's right. August = Flannel Pajama Weather. I'm not yet ready to close the window and lock out the fresh air, so I brought out the flannel pajama's. I'm nice and cozy now. Listening to Jennie's playlist in my non-matching flannel pajama's (non-matching because for Christmas one year my parents gave me flannel pajama bottoms with a long sleeve matching pajama top, but the bottoms have a hole in them, and I didn't feel like sewing tonight, so I put on a spare pair of flannel pajama bottoms on...you know you're Canadian when you have spare flannel clothing).
On Thursday I was all ready to go to work for a night shift, and I woke up, was going to go to the bathroom and then sleep some more, but instead, I sat up, turned my head and heard/felt this awful awful grinding in my neck. Apparently one of my vertebrae decided to make a bit of a left turn. I did not go to the bathroom, and I did not go to work because I could not move. The worst part was that I couldn't even look at the drawer where my left over wisdom-teeth-removed-prescription-pain-killers were hiding, let alone get up and go get them. After laying in pain for an hour, trying to sleep off and on, and hoping the pain would magically go away I finally gave up hope and forced myself to move. I took 800mg of Ibuprofen and a Tylenol #4 (who has ever heard of a Tylenol #4???!!!). The prescription said to take a half tablet of the T4, but it's not scored very well, and i had nothing to cut it with, so I took the whole thing. The pain became a little less sharp, but mostly I just slept for a really long time after that. I worked the next 3 nights though, and then this morning I got off work, slept for a bit, and then booked an appointment with a massage therapist who told me that my vertebrae was rotated and that's what was causing the pain. Yay for people who know what's oin on. And massages!
Work was crazy ridiculous over the weekend too. We were short. Bad things happened. I had 8 patients for a little while...luckily they were a generally loveable bunch of people. I love my job. I do. I think I lose focus on that a lot when I can't be good at my job, but I do love my patients.
I think it's time to heat up my wheat bag, and curl up under the blankets in my flannel pajama's and sleep until forever.
Happy night to you.
On Thursday I was all ready to go to work for a night shift, and I woke up, was going to go to the bathroom and then sleep some more, but instead, I sat up, turned my head and heard/felt this awful awful grinding in my neck. Apparently one of my vertebrae decided to make a bit of a left turn. I did not go to the bathroom, and I did not go to work because I could not move. The worst part was that I couldn't even look at the drawer where my left over wisdom-teeth-removed-prescription-pain-killers were hiding, let alone get up and go get them. After laying in pain for an hour, trying to sleep off and on, and hoping the pain would magically go away I finally gave up hope and forced myself to move. I took 800mg of Ibuprofen and a Tylenol #4 (who has ever heard of a Tylenol #4???!!!). The prescription said to take a half tablet of the T4, but it's not scored very well, and i had nothing to cut it with, so I took the whole thing. The pain became a little less sharp, but mostly I just slept for a really long time after that. I worked the next 3 nights though, and then this morning I got off work, slept for a bit, and then booked an appointment with a massage therapist who told me that my vertebrae was rotated and that's what was causing the pain. Yay for people who know what's oin on. And massages!
Work was crazy ridiculous over the weekend too. We were short. Bad things happened. I had 8 patients for a little while...luckily they were a generally loveable bunch of people. I love my job. I do. I think I lose focus on that a lot when I can't be good at my job, but I do love my patients.
I think it's time to heat up my wheat bag, and curl up under the blankets in my flannel pajama's and sleep until forever.
Happy night to you.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
To Put it Bluntly
I trusted where I ought not have.
All that's left to do is run.
But this time no mistakes!
Go where no one is close already.
And let no one in that close.
No mistakes.
Not anymore.
I'll hide my face, driven by hurt, behind a wall of bricks.
All that's left to do is run.
But this time no mistakes!
Go where no one is close already.
And let no one in that close.
No mistakes.
Not anymore.
I'll hide my face, driven by hurt, behind a wall of bricks.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
11 Minutes
I'm making rice to go with my stir fry. There are 11 minutes left until it's done. So I'm going to type fast. Or slow. Depending on what comes to mind in the next 11 minutes.
I got up at 6:30 this morning to go biking with Jennie. Then I came home and walked the dog. Then I had a nectarine and some blueberries for breakfast. Read some Harry Potter while playing tug-of-war with IV using my feet and drinking tea. I then walked with Jennie to the Misericordia and picked up an application so that I can apply to see if I can work in the Urgent Care clinic there.
Then I went back to sleep. Then I got up again. And now I'm listening to music and making stir-fry.
You know when you buy "Spicy Schezuan Sauce" and you think you can handle it....well I don't think I can. So it will be little bites of stirfry and then big gulps of milk. That's my plan. Lots of rice too.
I love how music makes me think of so many things. Hoppipola reminds me of the wedding I was just at, and my poor little fish. Africa makes me think of Kate. Alberta Bound makes me think of Iqaluit. And actually, a lot of the most recently added songs remind me of Scrubs because I got most of them from watching the show.
Oh. 5 seconds left. Goodbye. Going to enjoy some rice now. :)
I got up at 6:30 this morning to go biking with Jennie. Then I came home and walked the dog. Then I had a nectarine and some blueberries for breakfast. Read some Harry Potter while playing tug-of-war with IV using my feet and drinking tea. I then walked with Jennie to the Misericordia and picked up an application so that I can apply to see if I can work in the Urgent Care clinic there.
Then I went back to sleep. Then I got up again. And now I'm listening to music and making stir-fry.
You know when you buy "Spicy Schezuan Sauce" and you think you can handle it....well I don't think I can. So it will be little bites of stirfry and then big gulps of milk. That's my plan. Lots of rice too.
I love how music makes me think of so many things. Hoppipola reminds me of the wedding I was just at, and my poor little fish. Africa makes me think of Kate. Alberta Bound makes me think of Iqaluit. And actually, a lot of the most recently added songs remind me of Scrubs because I got most of them from watching the show.
Oh. 5 seconds left. Goodbye. Going to enjoy some rice now. :)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
In Loving Memory
On July 15, 2009 Thing II passed away at the age of 5 years and 10 months (which in fish years is approximately 140 years). He lived a full life, travelling from Breton, AB to Strathmore, AB, then moving to Edmonton, and finally making the trek across the Canadian prairies to Winnipeg, MB. He has gone on to join his friend and companion Thing I. Thing II is survived by his owner Katie, and his co-pet IV. The service was held July 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm. He was remembered fondly, and Hoppipola by Sigur Ros was played as the toilet was flushed (twice, to make sure he would not be regurgitated as the plumbing is not 100% reliable). He will be remembered fondly by all who knew him.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Camp and Such
Recently I was asked to come out and be a camp nurse. It was a great time. Of course it was Teen Camp...so the campers scare me to death and I can find no way to talk or relate with them at all. I realize that all that is really needed is a question and they can pretty much just talk from there...the trouble is finding the question that is a good one. Not one of those "How's school?" questions...and when I don't know anything about someone there's not a whole lot that I don't feel stupid asking. Perhaps that's my problem. It's not really about me.
The speakers spoke on Psalms. I like the Psalms. You get the whole gamut of emotions in there. I think I'd like to read them again. If only I could actually make myself read the Bible. Period. Ever. Anything. One of the messages was about getting through storms, and how Jesus calmed the storm when they were walking through it. To be encouraged that God is the Shepherd, and he will lead us by still waters, and take care of us through the storm. And I got to thinking about how I don't really and truly believe this. I want to believe it. But I see everyone in their storms. Those are the people I see day to day. People in the midst of "storms". I want to be able to trust God with them, but somewhere, somehow I lost my trust in Him. And I'm a little bit lost with that. Part of me says "Oh well, whatever, he should have fixed everything" and the other part says "Well, you know he can't just go around saying "yes" to everyone's requests...You've seen Bruce Almighty, you know what happens." I want to see the big picture. I like rock solid answers. I don't understand trust. I have a hard time trusting people so I should have seen this coming.
I'm so conflicted. I feel sure that a large part of my support system would see this as a good thing. Not thinking in terms like "God has a plan". But, honestly, what's wrong with believing that? It's brave to believe that somehow God will come through despite the darkness that's been going on. I've been in conversation with a friend who lost a lot in the last few months, and her hope and prayer is that God will be present and still be praised. She and her family want to leave an impression of God's love despite all they've been through. And my gut reaction is "That's so cliche" but my heart longs to feel that way too. To be so confident. To have such faith. To trust. And I know that to be able to truly say with confidence, "God has a plan, He has my best interests at heart" is not something that we don't struggle with. It's not an easy thing to say. It's even harder to believe it.
So, if you think of it, and feel like you can, say a little prayer for me. Pray for Trust. Pray I'd understand what it is and how to use it.
In other news. I've been working what feels like a lot, but probably isn't, since I'm not working any overtime shifts yet, just a little less than full time.
Right now Jennie is writing a paper and I'm just chilling on her bed writing this blog and playing this game...so far I've collected 710 grains of rice, and Jennie's written a page and a half of her paper. Go Jennie!! You can do it!
I overdosed on sleepy drugs last night and was so groggy this morning I could barely wake up. Next time I'll take NyQuil OR Benadryl...not both.
Yesterday I went to a baseball game. Not a huge fan of baseball. But when any game is tied, it's really hard not to start to get into it...but 5 extra innings is a lot to ask from someone who doesn't care a whole lot.
This weekend is folk fest. Not exactly my scene since I don't like crowds and get annoyed by drunk people pretty easily. So a crowd of drunk people would probably stress me out a lot more than is reasonable. So I'm glad I'm not there.
I don't really know what else to say here. I've seen some cute babies, had some funny conversations, had some good conversations, met some new people. As Daryl Worley says " It sounds like life to me".
The speakers spoke on Psalms. I like the Psalms. You get the whole gamut of emotions in there. I think I'd like to read them again. If only I could actually make myself read the Bible. Period. Ever. Anything. One of the messages was about getting through storms, and how Jesus calmed the storm when they were walking through it. To be encouraged that God is the Shepherd, and he will lead us by still waters, and take care of us through the storm. And I got to thinking about how I don't really and truly believe this. I want to believe it. But I see everyone in their storms. Those are the people I see day to day. People in the midst of "storms". I want to be able to trust God with them, but somewhere, somehow I lost my trust in Him. And I'm a little bit lost with that. Part of me says "Oh well, whatever, he should have fixed everything" and the other part says "Well, you know he can't just go around saying "yes" to everyone's requests...You've seen Bruce Almighty, you know what happens." I want to see the big picture. I like rock solid answers. I don't understand trust. I have a hard time trusting people so I should have seen this coming.
I'm so conflicted. I feel sure that a large part of my support system would see this as a good thing. Not thinking in terms like "God has a plan". But, honestly, what's wrong with believing that? It's brave to believe that somehow God will come through despite the darkness that's been going on. I've been in conversation with a friend who lost a lot in the last few months, and her hope and prayer is that God will be present and still be praised. She and her family want to leave an impression of God's love despite all they've been through. And my gut reaction is "That's so cliche" but my heart longs to feel that way too. To be so confident. To have such faith. To trust. And I know that to be able to truly say with confidence, "God has a plan, He has my best interests at heart" is not something that we don't struggle with. It's not an easy thing to say. It's even harder to believe it.
So, if you think of it, and feel like you can, say a little prayer for me. Pray for Trust. Pray I'd understand what it is and how to use it.
In other news. I've been working what feels like a lot, but probably isn't, since I'm not working any overtime shifts yet, just a little less than full time.
Right now Jennie is writing a paper and I'm just chilling on her bed writing this blog and playing this game...so far I've collected 710 grains of rice, and Jennie's written a page and a half of her paper. Go Jennie!! You can do it!
I overdosed on sleepy drugs last night and was so groggy this morning I could barely wake up. Next time I'll take NyQuil OR Benadryl...not both.
Yesterday I went to a baseball game. Not a huge fan of baseball. But when any game is tied, it's really hard not to start to get into it...but 5 extra innings is a lot to ask from someone who doesn't care a whole lot.
This weekend is folk fest. Not exactly my scene since I don't like crowds and get annoyed by drunk people pretty easily. So a crowd of drunk people would probably stress me out a lot more than is reasonable. So I'm glad I'm not there.
I don't really know what else to say here. I've seen some cute babies, had some funny conversations, had some good conversations, met some new people. As Daryl Worley says " It sounds like life to me".
Thursday, June 11, 2009
So Much to Think About
Today I convocated. Today I dressed up in a cap and gown, a crimson and white "hood" and I walked across the stage, shaking hands with important University officials.
Today I listened to speeches about how much we have achieved, and how much we have yet to achieve. My favourite speech was the one that quoted Dr. Seuss. If you know me, you will not be surprised at all!
Today I saw friends who I will probably never see again.
Today I took pictures with a couple friends.
Today I threw my hat up in the air...I'm terrible at the hat toss.
Today we all went our separate directions. To be nurses. To be citizens. To be whatever we want to be. To "climb our mountains" "think of all the things we can think" and remember that "Every person's a person, no matter how small"
Today a representative of the Alberta government told us that our skills and knowledge will always be put to use in Alberta. That in this time of recession the Alberta government is able to rely on vast savings from our times of prosperity. While he said this, I saw the fear in his eyes. Fear that this room full of graduating nurses (half of whom had interviews which were cancelled when the government of Alberta implemented the hiring freeze) will call him on the load of crap he is forking out. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in my government than when they had the balls to stand up in front of us and tell us that we'd have a lot of opportunity after graduation.
Completing a degree is perhaps a greater accomplishement than I give it credit for. Instead of thinking all I have is a dog and a degreee I need to remember that "your[my] mountain is waiting...so get on your way!"
Living. Loving. Balance.
Today I listened to speeches about how much we have achieved, and how much we have yet to achieve. My favourite speech was the one that quoted Dr. Seuss. If you know me, you will not be surprised at all!
Today I saw friends who I will probably never see again.
Today I took pictures with a couple friends.
Today I threw my hat up in the air...I'm terrible at the hat toss.
Today we all went our separate directions. To be nurses. To be citizens. To be whatever we want to be. To "climb our mountains" "think of all the things we can think" and remember that "Every person's a person, no matter how small"
Today a representative of the Alberta government told us that our skills and knowledge will always be put to use in Alberta. That in this time of recession the Alberta government is able to rely on vast savings from our times of prosperity. While he said this, I saw the fear in his eyes. Fear that this room full of graduating nurses (half of whom had interviews which were cancelled when the government of Alberta implemented the hiring freeze) will call him on the load of crap he is forking out. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in my government than when they had the balls to stand up in front of us and tell us that we'd have a lot of opportunity after graduation.
Completing a degree is perhaps a greater accomplishement than I give it credit for. Instead of thinking all I have is a dog and a degreee I need to remember that "your[my] mountain is waiting...so get on your way!"
Living. Loving. Balance.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Home Home on the Range
Well, here I am in Breton.
Breton, Alberta.
Been here for a couple weeks now, although I've been driving all over the place, so it's not like I've actually been here much. I've driven almost 4000km in the past 2 weeks, and still have a Red Deer trip to see the fabulous Kelsey and then it's back to Winnipeg...probably on Saturday.
Not sure how badly I want to go back. I kind of want to stay. I love the mountains (we went to Jasper to see Jen) and I love my Edmonton friends (you know who you are!) and I love my family (they know who they are too). Luckily, church was about how God really does close doors for us soemtimes...and I think when there is a nurse hiring freeze it's a pretty closed door. Ha. Although it would be great to come back so that I could be closer...and be a better bridesmaid...CUZ I GET TO BE A BRIDESMAID NEXT SUMMER!!!!! Yahoo.
It's been a good trip. Lots of wonderful friends. Lots of family. IV time. NO WORK!!! But I'm missing my roommates (although I think they watched Paschendale and I so do not want to watch that movie). I figure I should go back to work and make money. I guess it's time to go back soon. Probably on Saturday since I still have grad and hang out time with the fabulous Kelsey, and the fabulous Megan, and whoever shows up at the fabulous Jess' bonfire Friday. (be there!!)
I wonder where I'll be. In the future. It's weird. My mom was married when she was 23. A lot of my friends are married or getting married or even parents already. I'm so not on that track. There are a lot of other friends who aren't married, getting married, or parents but it's harder to focus on that part. That is my goal. To be more content and to make my life more full. To laugh a lot. To get to know God in Winnipeg. To study and read His word. Love more. Be selfish less. Get over myself. Find balance.
Be myself.
Breton, Alberta.
Been here for a couple weeks now, although I've been driving all over the place, so it's not like I've actually been here much. I've driven almost 4000km in the past 2 weeks, and still have a Red Deer trip to see the fabulous Kelsey and then it's back to Winnipeg...probably on Saturday.
Not sure how badly I want to go back. I kind of want to stay. I love the mountains (we went to Jasper to see Jen) and I love my Edmonton friends (you know who you are!) and I love my family (they know who they are too). Luckily, church was about how God really does close doors for us soemtimes...and I think when there is a nurse hiring freeze it's a pretty closed door. Ha. Although it would be great to come back so that I could be closer...and be a better bridesmaid...CUZ I GET TO BE A BRIDESMAID NEXT SUMMER!!!!! Yahoo.
It's been a good trip. Lots of wonderful friends. Lots of family. IV time. NO WORK!!! But I'm missing my roommates (although I think they watched Paschendale and I so do not want to watch that movie). I figure I should go back to work and make money. I guess it's time to go back soon. Probably on Saturday since I still have grad and hang out time with the fabulous Kelsey, and the fabulous Megan, and whoever shows up at the fabulous Jess' bonfire Friday. (be there!!)
I wonder where I'll be. In the future. It's weird. My mom was married when she was 23. A lot of my friends are married or getting married or even parents already. I'm so not on that track. There are a lot of other friends who aren't married, getting married, or parents but it's harder to focus on that part. That is my goal. To be more content and to make my life more full. To laugh a lot. To get to know God in Winnipeg. To study and read His word. Love more. Be selfish less. Get over myself. Find balance.
Be myself.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'm Awake
Some of my patients and some of my co-workers have been telling me that I am a good nurse. But I have no idea where this is coming from, because I don't feel like a great nurse.
I'm working 3 more shifts and then going to Alberta for a long long time (it feels like). I'm very excited. I'll get to see a lot of great people that I miss LOTS and LOTS.
The other day my roommates and I made perogies. From scratch. Cuz we are THAT awesome. (There was a little bit of a perogie crisis though when we stacked the raw perogies up and just left them sit on the plate for a couple hours....they kinda melted together into BLOBS of dough and cottage cheese/potatoes and cheese/jam. We managed to salvage some, and whip up some replacement ones. Then we fed them to poor innocent victims...I mean out company. We had people over for dinner...well one dinner guest and one after-dinner guest who got some leftover perogies. It was a good day.
Amanda helped me pick out a dress for Nicole's wedding (which is oh so soon!!!). I love the dress. It's super cute...at least I think so! She just handed me dresses to try on and so I tried them on. I also "played baseball"...meaning that Dre just LAUGHED with me as I tried to catch the ball when she threw it at me (it's a lot harder than it sounds! I had to keep my eyes open, and try not to dodge the ball....that takes a lot of self-control!)
Right now Shonda Rhimes is one of my least favorite people on the planet. She ended both her Grey's Anatomy and her Private Practice finales VERY UNFAIRLY. I liked it better when it ended with a house made of candles!!!
Anyways. It's late. And tomorrow's supposed to be warm and sunny. And I've decided since starting to write that I really don't want to be writing. It's just so that my name won't go too far down in Jennie's list of blogs recently updated...I don't wanna be at the bottom of the list!!! NOOO!!!! NEVER!!!
Ok. Well. later.
I'm working 3 more shifts and then going to Alberta for a long long time (it feels like). I'm very excited. I'll get to see a lot of great people that I miss LOTS and LOTS.
The other day my roommates and I made perogies. From scratch. Cuz we are THAT awesome. (There was a little bit of a perogie crisis though when we stacked the raw perogies up and just left them sit on the plate for a couple hours....they kinda melted together into BLOBS of dough and cottage cheese/potatoes and cheese/jam. We managed to salvage some, and whip up some replacement ones. Then we fed them to poor innocent victims...I mean out company. We had people over for dinner...well one dinner guest and one after-dinner guest who got some leftover perogies. It was a good day.
Amanda helped me pick out a dress for Nicole's wedding (which is oh so soon!!!). I love the dress. It's super cute...at least I think so! She just handed me dresses to try on and so I tried them on. I also "played baseball"...meaning that Dre just LAUGHED with me as I tried to catch the ball when she threw it at me (it's a lot harder than it sounds! I had to keep my eyes open, and try not to dodge the ball....that takes a lot of self-control!)
Right now Shonda Rhimes is one of my least favorite people on the planet. She ended both her Grey's Anatomy and her Private Practice finales VERY UNFAIRLY. I liked it better when it ended with a house made of candles!!!
Anyways. It's late. And tomorrow's supposed to be warm and sunny. And I've decided since starting to write that I really don't want to be writing. It's just so that my name won't go too far down in Jennie's list of blogs recently updated...I don't wanna be at the bottom of the list!!! NOOO!!!! NEVER!!!
Ok. Well. later.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
IV the Gum Chewing Dog
Tonight as I was walking my dog, and fighting to get a piece of gum she picked up off the ground out of her mouth (which is difficult by yourself, you need to use one hand to kind of pin her against your leg, and another hand to open her mouth, and then another hand to pick the gum out of her mouth...so if you're anything like me and have only 2 hands you are forced to pin her, hold her mouth open and hope gravity will pull the gum out) I thought to myself "I should write a children's book about IV the Gum Chewing Dog.
*that was probably the longest bracketed thought I have ever written...possibly...it's gotta be close to my record though).
In other news I took Jen to the airport this morning so she could fly to Alberta where she is moving for the summer, and I wasn't sure how I would feel about that. Not about her leaving, but about living in Alberta. I wondered if I'd be at the airport wishing terribly that I was going back to Alberta too. It didn't happen. I just wanted to fly somewhere sunny, warm, with a beach...which isn't going to happen either.
So right now I don't know where I'm headed. I love my job and the people I work with. I love the people I live with, and the friends I hang out with. I don't know what next is, or when it's supposed to happen. So I'm gonna go with the flow and be here.
*that was probably the longest bracketed thought I have ever written...possibly...it's gotta be close to my record though).
In other news I took Jen to the airport this morning so she could fly to Alberta where she is moving for the summer, and I wasn't sure how I would feel about that. Not about her leaving, but about living in Alberta. I wondered if I'd be at the airport wishing terribly that I was going back to Alberta too. It didn't happen. I just wanted to fly somewhere sunny, warm, with a beach...which isn't going to happen either.
So right now I don't know where I'm headed. I love my job and the people I work with. I love the people I live with, and the friends I hang out with. I don't know what next is, or when it's supposed to happen. So I'm gonna go with the flow and be here.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Every time I draw blood from a patient I am amazed that the tube is so warm. Heat radiates out of it into my hands. Isn't that the strangest sensation ever? The heat of someone else's blood in your hands? Reminding you that everyone has that heat flowing through them...it's such a human thing...no...not a human thing...a life thing. No matter how sick or stable, how annoying or nice my patients are, their blood fills the tubes with warmth because they are not only human, but they are full of life.
I've been thinking a lot the past few days. We talk about community. What community looks like, what community is. We try to build community. We boldly say that being the Church is about Community. We want nothing more than to belong to a community that affirms us, that we have something to offer, and that challenges us to grow in multiple dimensions. Community requires responsibility: we have to be responsible and recognize how our values and actions impact the community. In this way we are held accountable by the values of our community. But I don't actually feel that there is accountability. I don't actually know what there is.
Ultimately, I think my issue is that I am not as liberal as I wish I could be. I'm still really grounded in my more conservative values, but since I am way too afraid of what other's will think of me, and way too afraid of hurting people I have taken a fence sitting policy. I say, "Well, this set of rules I believe exist are actually only rules for me. If someone else has found a different set of rules, then who am I to argue with them? Afterall, I'm not all that good at keeping the rules I acknowledge, so I better not question or 'throw any stones' at anyone else's rules" (Keeping in mind that when I say rules, I do not actually mean rules. I mean something I have no idea how to describe...kind of just the things God desires for us, beyond the whole 10 commandments and the Pharisee stuff).
I hate disagreeing with people. I want to agree with everyone. I know that's ridiculous, but it's so much better to be in agreement. You can't hurt someone by agreeing with them, you can't feel stupid for not really having any good reasons other than conviction if you agree with people. You don't need a reason to agree with anyone. Agreeing with them is good enough. So, when I can't agree, no matter how I try to make it fit, then does it mean I'm old-fashioned, conservative and awful? People will say no, because it's personal.
But how can a community, united by values, function when those values are free to change depending on circumstances, context, and are deemed "personal"? Is the only thing uniting a community the fact that we can fill a tube with hot blood?
I struggle so much with that. It's not difficult to love the people I don't agree with, and if you are reading this and I've ever disagreed with you, know that I love you, no questions asked. People are way too important to divide because of our choices! I'm just not sure what unites us anymore. (I don't mean little person-person relationships...I mean community). I hope it's more than hot blood running through our veins. I hope someone out there can tell me something I can agree with so that this stops running through my head. Because I really can't be staying up until 2:30 all the time stressing about this.
I'm caught. Caught between the beliefs and values I have held and see a lot of truth and logic in (and am grieved to see have been used as weapons to hurt a lot of people) and my desire to conform to everyone's values, because I don't want to be alone. I don't believe we were supposed to be alone in our values and beliefs, but I think I am.
And if you really know me, you know that it is making me sick to be typing this out because I feel like I'm disagreeing with everyone simply by thinking these things let alone sharing them. But it is 2:30 and I have been tossing these thoughts through my head for months...so if you really know me you won't be mad at me for saying all these things I've been saying.
I've been thinking a lot the past few days. We talk about community. What community looks like, what community is. We try to build community. We boldly say that being the Church is about Community. We want nothing more than to belong to a community that affirms us, that we have something to offer, and that challenges us to grow in multiple dimensions. Community requires responsibility: we have to be responsible and recognize how our values and actions impact the community. In this way we are held accountable by the values of our community. But I don't actually feel that there is accountability. I don't actually know what there is.
Ultimately, I think my issue is that I am not as liberal as I wish I could be. I'm still really grounded in my more conservative values, but since I am way too afraid of what other's will think of me, and way too afraid of hurting people I have taken a fence sitting policy. I say, "Well, this set of rules I believe exist are actually only rules for me. If someone else has found a different set of rules, then who am I to argue with them? Afterall, I'm not all that good at keeping the rules I acknowledge, so I better not question or 'throw any stones' at anyone else's rules" (Keeping in mind that when I say rules, I do not actually mean rules. I mean something I have no idea how to describe...kind of just the things God desires for us, beyond the whole 10 commandments and the Pharisee stuff).
I hate disagreeing with people. I want to agree with everyone. I know that's ridiculous, but it's so much better to be in agreement. You can't hurt someone by agreeing with them, you can't feel stupid for not really having any good reasons other than conviction if you agree with people. You don't need a reason to agree with anyone. Agreeing with them is good enough. So, when I can't agree, no matter how I try to make it fit, then does it mean I'm old-fashioned, conservative and awful? People will say no, because it's personal.
But how can a community, united by values, function when those values are free to change depending on circumstances, context, and are deemed "personal"? Is the only thing uniting a community the fact that we can fill a tube with hot blood?
I struggle so much with that. It's not difficult to love the people I don't agree with, and if you are reading this and I've ever disagreed with you, know that I love you, no questions asked. People are way too important to divide because of our choices! I'm just not sure what unites us anymore. (I don't mean little person-person relationships...I mean community). I hope it's more than hot blood running through our veins. I hope someone out there can tell me something I can agree with so that this stops running through my head. Because I really can't be staying up until 2:30 all the time stressing about this.
I'm caught. Caught between the beliefs and values I have held and see a lot of truth and logic in (and am grieved to see have been used as weapons to hurt a lot of people) and my desire to conform to everyone's values, because I don't want to be alone. I don't believe we were supposed to be alone in our values and beliefs, but I think I am.
And if you really know me, you know that it is making me sick to be typing this out because I feel like I'm disagreeing with everyone simply by thinking these things let alone sharing them. But it is 2:30 and I have been tossing these thoughts through my head for months...so if you really know me you won't be mad at me for saying all these things I've been saying.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.
Is it terrible to take a whole line of a song to make it the title of a blog post? Cuz I just did it. And I'm not going to change it. I might even do it again if it works out that a song fits what's going through my mind.
Somewhere on the road between Hecla Island and Winnipeg we were listening to a program on CBC Radio and the hostess of the show was talking to researchers about happiness. Who's idea was it to study happiness anyways? Their results found that money made people happy, but wanting more money made people unhappy. And, even though money is the highest indicator of happiness, the happiest city in Canada is St. John, New Brunswick...not exactly one of the provinces rolling in the dough.
The study also found that children do not make people any happier or less happier.
Jerks. I make my parents happier!
Ultimately, I disagree with the researchers and their results. I don't think that money makes people happier. I do agree that desperately just wanting money makes people unhappier. But I think that "Happy" is too contextual, cultural, and personal to actually be studied with the assumption that the results are completely transferable.
I'd say that my level of happiness fluctuates with a variety of things, and sometimes money may be one of those factors. Sometimes happiness is a choice I have to make. To just let go of some things and find happiness where I am. Sometimes simple things just make me happy. Like a quick hello from someone that lets me know I'm thought of, or something I read or saw or heard that makes me smile, spending time with people, spending time alone, finding balance, window shopping, my job, getting snail mail, making someone's day, finding something new, or something old, sun, rain, snow, summer, winter, spring, fall, a good stretch, a good chat, writing, walking IV, writing about IV, sleeping in, staying up late, watching a good movie, and I could list a lot more, but this would get out of control long.
The point is that, I'm sorry CBC Radio lady, I don't care what the research says, I'm gonna say that I don't agree. I know people with very little money, and they are happy. It's different for everyone, and so stop researching!
I'm going to write about IV now.
Somewhere on the road between Hecla Island and Winnipeg we were listening to a program on CBC Radio and the hostess of the show was talking to researchers about happiness. Who's idea was it to study happiness anyways? Their results found that money made people happy, but wanting more money made people unhappy. And, even though money is the highest indicator of happiness, the happiest city in Canada is St. John, New Brunswick...not exactly one of the provinces rolling in the dough.
The study also found that children do not make people any happier or less happier.
Jerks. I make my parents happier!
Ultimately, I disagree with the researchers and their results. I don't think that money makes people happier. I do agree that desperately just wanting money makes people unhappier. But I think that "Happy" is too contextual, cultural, and personal to actually be studied with the assumption that the results are completely transferable.
I'd say that my level of happiness fluctuates with a variety of things, and sometimes money may be one of those factors. Sometimes happiness is a choice I have to make. To just let go of some things and find happiness where I am. Sometimes simple things just make me happy. Like a quick hello from someone that lets me know I'm thought of, or something I read or saw or heard that makes me smile, spending time with people, spending time alone, finding balance, window shopping, my job, getting snail mail, making someone's day, finding something new, or something old, sun, rain, snow, summer, winter, spring, fall, a good stretch, a good chat, writing, walking IV, writing about IV, sleeping in, staying up late, watching a good movie, and I could list a lot more, but this would get out of control long.
The point is that, I'm sorry CBC Radio lady, I don't care what the research says, I'm gonna say that I don't agree. I know people with very little money, and they are happy. It's different for everyone, and so stop researching!
I'm going to write about IV now.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I Hate Crying (in front of people)
Today was a kind of rough sort of day.
It involved a patient who is in so much pain he was begging for help. Looking me right in the eyes and telling me he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't handle it anymore. Begging me to make it stop.
From there it only got more and more out of control. I found myself spiraling, loads of things to do, but just little things. It was like, "Ok, well I'll change this dressing and then I'll go for my break" and then as soon as the dressing was done there was an order for an IV bolus on another patient, pain meds for the first patient, then the next patient needed paperwork filled out, then it was 11 and time for blood sugars and some 11 o'clock pills and then another patient needed a bolus and the first patient needed some more pain medication, and then some doctor asked me questions about the patient and I have no idea what the answers are, then the patient in pain is complaining about his catheter so I irrigated it, and then bladder scanned him, and then more pain meds, then it was lunchtime meds, and then another patient went for a test and he had a stupid reaction to the meds they gave him in the test so had to be monitored closely, and then needed a bolus, and then in between that I was trying to get my charts done. And then more pain meds for my patient in pain. Then it was 3:30 and I was giving report to the next nurse and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and didn't know about my patients.
And during all of this I was constantly asked by staff if I was doing ok, and if there was anything they could do for me...and I was always "Fine" and I didn't think there was really anything they could do. It wasn't like there was a million things I needed to do at once, it was just a million things one after the other. And everytime I was asked how I was doing, I got a little bit closer to crying. They tried to get me to go on my breaks, and I just got even closer to crying.
And then the real kicker: when you are so worn out, you can barely keep from crying because you are so incredibly disappointed in yourself (despite the fact that you know your expectations are a little too high) and then someone tells you that your patients wife told them that you've been a really good nurse. Who does that? Who tells you nice things when you know that you are the worst nurse in the history of the planet? Because when you are at the end of whatever it is that has gotten you through the day so far, those nice things that you should be proud to hear are actually the hardest things to hear.
The only worse than nice things at that point would be bad things.
And I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just me. It's happened before. In my 2nd year of nursing school my patients wife told me I'd be a great nurse at a time when I felt things were out of my control and I just made it out of the room before bursting into tears. And I hate crying in front of people. It just sucks. My eyes go all red, and my face gets blotchy, my voice gets high pitched, and i get sniffly. Words don't come out properly. It's just a mess! Believe me! If you knew I was crying when I wrote that last paragraph (the one that is a paragraph, not the one that is a sentence) you'd have stopped reading the blog and run for the hills.
Anyway, for some good things about my day (the last 3 days actually) check out this blog ! It's great. I promise!
Goodnight for now, and I promise I'll update sometime and it won't be ridiculous whining/venting.
It involved a patient who is in so much pain he was begging for help. Looking me right in the eyes and telling me he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't handle it anymore. Begging me to make it stop.
From there it only got more and more out of control. I found myself spiraling, loads of things to do, but just little things. It was like, "Ok, well I'll change this dressing and then I'll go for my break" and then as soon as the dressing was done there was an order for an IV bolus on another patient, pain meds for the first patient, then the next patient needed paperwork filled out, then it was 11 and time for blood sugars and some 11 o'clock pills and then another patient needed a bolus and the first patient needed some more pain medication, and then some doctor asked me questions about the patient and I have no idea what the answers are, then the patient in pain is complaining about his catheter so I irrigated it, and then bladder scanned him, and then more pain meds, then it was lunchtime meds, and then another patient went for a test and he had a stupid reaction to the meds they gave him in the test so had to be monitored closely, and then needed a bolus, and then in between that I was trying to get my charts done. And then more pain meds for my patient in pain. Then it was 3:30 and I was giving report to the next nurse and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and didn't know about my patients.
And during all of this I was constantly asked by staff if I was doing ok, and if there was anything they could do for me...and I was always "Fine" and I didn't think there was really anything they could do. It wasn't like there was a million things I needed to do at once, it was just a million things one after the other. And everytime I was asked how I was doing, I got a little bit closer to crying. They tried to get me to go on my breaks, and I just got even closer to crying.
And then the real kicker: when you are so worn out, you can barely keep from crying because you are so incredibly disappointed in yourself (despite the fact that you know your expectations are a little too high) and then someone tells you that your patients wife told them that you've been a really good nurse. Who does that? Who tells you nice things when you know that you are the worst nurse in the history of the planet? Because when you are at the end of whatever it is that has gotten you through the day so far, those nice things that you should be proud to hear are actually the hardest things to hear.
The only worse than nice things at that point would be bad things.
And I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just me. It's happened before. In my 2nd year of nursing school my patients wife told me I'd be a great nurse at a time when I felt things were out of my control and I just made it out of the room before bursting into tears. And I hate crying in front of people. It just sucks. My eyes go all red, and my face gets blotchy, my voice gets high pitched, and i get sniffly. Words don't come out properly. It's just a mess! Believe me! If you knew I was crying when I wrote that last paragraph (the one that is a paragraph, not the one that is a sentence) you'd have stopped reading the blog and run for the hills.
Anyway, for some good things about my day (the last 3 days actually) check out this blog ! It's great. I promise!
Goodnight for now, and I promise I'll update sometime and it won't be ridiculous whining/venting.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Anti-Confidence
So, this morning I was checking Facebook and saw a friend of mine had updated her status to say that she passed her) RN exam. So I jumped up and RAN to the mailbox to see if my results were in there.
They weren't. But Renee's acceptance letter to PrairieView was (congrats again roomie!!).
So, whatever. Disappointment. But there's always tomorrow.
Until now, when it dawned on me that obviously they must send out the fail letters a day or 2 later and that's why I don't have my results yet.
Cuz I updated my status to say that I was jealous of everyone else cuz they had their results and knew they had passed. But one of my friends agreed that she is waiting too. And her last name is Snider...so I thougt "oh, well maybe they haven't mailed the 'S' last names yet. But, then I saw that Angie, who has an S last name knows she passed. And then the answer came to me.
I failed. I must have. And I know that this is ridiculous reasoning. But I can't make it go away. I feel sick, and panicky. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding.
I don't want to have failed.
Oh dear. I need to sleep. But my mind is racing right now. Blah! Blah! Blah!
They weren't. But Renee's acceptance letter to PrairieView was (congrats again roomie!!).
So, whatever. Disappointment. But there's always tomorrow.
Until now, when it dawned on me that obviously they must send out the fail letters a day or 2 later and that's why I don't have my results yet.
Cuz I updated my status to say that I was jealous of everyone else cuz they had their results and knew they had passed. But one of my friends agreed that she is waiting too. And her last name is Snider...so I thougt "oh, well maybe they haven't mailed the 'S' last names yet. But, then I saw that Angie, who has an S last name knows she passed. And then the answer came to me.
I failed. I must have. And I know that this is ridiculous reasoning. But I can't make it go away. I feel sick, and panicky. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding.
I don't want to have failed.
Oh dear. I need to sleep. But my mind is racing right now. Blah! Blah! Blah!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jennie, This is for you...
The wind is brutal today. It is rattling my bedroom window. Brr.
Our landlord and his dad are going to finish the back stairs today and then they aren't doin anymore renovations until summer. That is good good, like GREAT news.
I have 2 more shifts of orientation left to do (but both are nights...). The six weeks have gone really fast, and I know I'm pretty much as ready as I'll ever be to be by myself, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready at all!! But, I just have to get through every day without killing someone. I hope it works!!
Not a lot is actually new. I went home. Rushed around and saw a lot of people, but didn't exactly feel like I got to see a lot of people. I saw them, but only 1 or 2 of them I really feel like I SAW them. Which was refreshing. It was good. Then there were the people I didn't even get to see at all...like...well...yeah. It's a long list, and there's one person in particular who's on top of that list. Sigh.
Let's see. What else shall I say? When I work nights I tend to feel rather delusional. Or hazy. Or out of it. One night I even went down to Timmy's and got a large 2/3 hot-chocolate-1/3 coffee and it made me shaky and jittery all night. So...I won't be doing that again! I'll stick to my water (with a touch of juice so it doesn't taste like the nasty city water it is) and my tea. I love my tea.
Ooh. Speaking of water! I got a new water bottle. It came in the mail. I picked it as my prize from the CIBC Walk/Run for the Cure. I named it...well I'm still trying to pick an appropriate name for it. I want something ridiculously snooty sounding as it is a symbol of my conformity (it's a stainless steel water bottle...). I'm thinking Miss Amelia Ermengarde Stanton IV...or Reginald William Stanton Jr ...or something else. I dunno. It could just be my water-bottle-that-is-a-symbol-of-my-conformity.
Hmm...some highlights from today...
--chatting up micro with Larisa
--finding out our landlord and his dad won't be renovating for a while!!!
--learning how to make a stalker page with Jennie...now I know who's watching me! (well no...I
don't...i just know if people actually look at my blog...)
--watching Garden State with Chrissy
--then watching a few What I Like About You episodes with Renee and Chrissy
--catching up with Kim a little bit...if you read this Kim....I feel sad that I barely talk to you
ever!!!!
--getting an e-mail from a boy who makes me smile
--texting Jess back and forth all day...I know you don't read this...but Jess, you're the
awesomest!!
Lowlights from today....
--COLD
--having to stay up late so I can sleep tomorrow
--not seeing Jen at all...oh Jen...where are you??
--not having a puppy yet...oh when, oh when?
On another note, my room is a disaster, but I have no energy to clean it. None. In fact, I told my aunt and uncle and cousin I'd come visit them in Swan River this weekend but now I am so tired, and feel like I've been busy for so long (working full time, then the busy week home, then working 3 nights, then having 2 days "off" while knowing I have to go back to nights, and then working 2 nights and then having a nap and going on a 7 hour trip. I'm sure it will be nice once I get there, and people are my priority...but I keep thinking I need to clean my room, make muffins (by the way Jennie, I couldn't find my recipe for my muffins and my mom wasn't home to give it to me, and I watched Garden State with Chrissy instead of making you muffins...I hope you can forgice me), do my laundry, study some nursing stuff, and like a million trillion other things I am sure I could come up with if I wanted to. BLah. I need a break. I'm burning out and I've only been a nurse for like 7 weeks!! Apparently phase 2 of being a new grad nurse involves feeling completely exhausted but more confident...I want to feel more confident...but I can't imagine feeling anymore exhausted than I do right now. Sigh. Sigh.
Sigh.
This is beginning to feel like it is out of control long. So I think I'm going to say g'night. G'bye.
Our landlord and his dad are going to finish the back stairs today and then they aren't doin anymore renovations until summer. That is good good, like GREAT news.
I have 2 more shifts of orientation left to do (but both are nights...). The six weeks have gone really fast, and I know I'm pretty much as ready as I'll ever be to be by myself, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready at all!! But, I just have to get through every day without killing someone. I hope it works!!
Not a lot is actually new. I went home. Rushed around and saw a lot of people, but didn't exactly feel like I got to see a lot of people. I saw them, but only 1 or 2 of them I really feel like I SAW them. Which was refreshing. It was good. Then there were the people I didn't even get to see at all...like...well...yeah. It's a long list, and there's one person in particular who's on top of that list. Sigh.
Let's see. What else shall I say? When I work nights I tend to feel rather delusional. Or hazy. Or out of it. One night I even went down to Timmy's and got a large 2/3 hot-chocolate-1/3 coffee and it made me shaky and jittery all night. So...I won't be doing that again! I'll stick to my water (with a touch of juice so it doesn't taste like the nasty city water it is) and my tea. I love my tea.
Ooh. Speaking of water! I got a new water bottle. It came in the mail. I picked it as my prize from the CIBC Walk/Run for the Cure. I named it...well I'm still trying to pick an appropriate name for it. I want something ridiculously snooty sounding as it is a symbol of my conformity (it's a stainless steel water bottle...). I'm thinking Miss Amelia Ermengarde Stanton IV...or Reginald William Stanton Jr ...or something else. I dunno. It could just be my water-bottle-that-is-a-symbol-of-my-conformity.
Hmm...some highlights from today...
--chatting up micro with Larisa
--finding out our landlord and his dad won't be renovating for a while!!!
--learning how to make a stalker page with Jennie...now I know who's watching me! (well no...I
don't...i just know if people actually look at my blog...)
--watching Garden State with Chrissy
--then watching a few What I Like About You episodes with Renee and Chrissy
--catching up with Kim a little bit...if you read this Kim....I feel sad that I barely talk to you
ever!!!!
--getting an e-mail from a boy who makes me smile
--texting Jess back and forth all day...I know you don't read this...but Jess, you're the
awesomest!!
Lowlights from today....
--COLD
--having to stay up late so I can sleep tomorrow
--not seeing Jen at all...oh Jen...where are you??
--not having a puppy yet...oh when, oh when?
On another note, my room is a disaster, but I have no energy to clean it. None. In fact, I told my aunt and uncle and cousin I'd come visit them in Swan River this weekend but now I am so tired, and feel like I've been busy for so long (working full time, then the busy week home, then working 3 nights, then having 2 days "off" while knowing I have to go back to nights, and then working 2 nights and then having a nap and going on a 7 hour trip. I'm sure it will be nice once I get there, and people are my priority...but I keep thinking I need to clean my room, make muffins (by the way Jennie, I couldn't find my recipe for my muffins and my mom wasn't home to give it to me, and I watched Garden State with Chrissy instead of making you muffins...I hope you can forgice me), do my laundry, study some nursing stuff, and like a million trillion other things I am sure I could come up with if I wanted to. BLah. I need a break. I'm burning out and I've only been a nurse for like 7 weeks!! Apparently phase 2 of being a new grad nurse involves feeling completely exhausted but more confident...I want to feel more confident...but I can't imagine feeling anymore exhausted than I do right now. Sigh. Sigh.
Sigh.
This is beginning to feel like it is out of control long. So I think I'm going to say g'night. G'bye.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Excel
Oy.
I'm trying to set up a budget thinger so I can make sure that I'm going to be able to pay off my student loans and pay all my bills without running out of money. But I have no idea what I'm doing with the Excel program. Grr. So I just a few columns of stuff that I added up, and subtracted. And there's a red number. It's not pretty.
Oh well, at least now I have a better idea of how much money I can spend until I get paid again next week.
None.
Well, I also have a credit card that is completely paid, so I technically have all that money that I don't actually have to spend. Credit cards are dangerous that way.
Very dangerous.
Like standing too close to Wile E. Coyote when he's about to try and blow up Road Runner dangerous.
Well, actually I think that since I am going to get paid before my next bills are withdrawn I actually have some. It's kind of nice to have bills at the beginning and the end of the month...but maybe it'd be better to have them all at the beginning. I don't know.
See, and now I'm all like "What about March?" How does March fit into my spreadsheet? Why didn't I learn this in highschool? Did I learn this in highschool? If so, Why didn't I pay attention?
Argh.. It's nice outside. I think I'm going to go there now.
I'm trying to set up a budget thinger so I can make sure that I'm going to be able to pay off my student loans and pay all my bills without running out of money. But I have no idea what I'm doing with the Excel program. Grr. So I just a few columns of stuff that I added up, and subtracted. And there's a red number. It's not pretty.
Oh well, at least now I have a better idea of how much money I can spend until I get paid again next week.
None.
Well, I also have a credit card that is completely paid, so I technically have all that money that I don't actually have to spend. Credit cards are dangerous that way.
Very dangerous.
Like standing too close to Wile E. Coyote when he's about to try and blow up Road Runner dangerous.
Well, actually I think that since I am going to get paid before my next bills are withdrawn I actually have some. It's kind of nice to have bills at the beginning and the end of the month...but maybe it'd be better to have them all at the beginning. I don't know.
See, and now I'm all like "What about March?" How does March fit into my spreadsheet? Why didn't I learn this in highschool? Did I learn this in highschool? If so, Why didn't I pay attention?
Argh.. It's nice outside. I think I'm going to go there now.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Fleeting
It's truly unfortunate that we live in a place and time ruled by FOIPP and PHIA legislation that is based up our desires to keep things to ourselves. This desire to remain hidden from our fellow human beings (I believe) contributes to the wealth of problems the people in our culture face. It causes truly heartbreaking, beautiful, and terrifying stories to remain untold, unshared. The stories I've seen will be told and shared by the people in them, but no one else will see the beauty, or shed tears for the brokenhearted, or reflect on the disturbing.
Today, a wonderful thing happened for a man who truly deserves it, but somewhere else someone who does not deserve it is experiencing great pain.
Today, a sister is going to recieve a gift from her sister that will improve her quality of life, and will serve as a constant reminder of the sister she lost.
Today, every time I walk past a room and picture the man in the bed and his 2 security guards and think of how Christ said that to even be angry with someone is equal to murder...and I try to remember than in this way I am just as guilty as he is...but I still shudder.
Vague details from complex and diverse situations. Bringing tears to my eyes.
It's hard to be a nurse. To be this inside of stories you can't share. Stories you can only hope you remember, and yet know that soon new stories will take the places of these, because while they are huge things in the lives of the ones they belong to, they are fleeting moments in my story. Shaping me, making me into the me that I will be for a little while, but unable to share fully with others to say "This is why I'm who I am, these people created pieces of me."
Share. Share a little of your day. Share a little of who you are, because you are the only one who can.
p.s. Jennie, I have your blog open in another window so that I can listen to your playlist...it's so wonderful. Like you!
Today, a wonderful thing happened for a man who truly deserves it, but somewhere else someone who does not deserve it is experiencing great pain.
Today, a sister is going to recieve a gift from her sister that will improve her quality of life, and will serve as a constant reminder of the sister she lost.
Today, every time I walk past a room and picture the man in the bed and his 2 security guards and think of how Christ said that to even be angry with someone is equal to murder...and I try to remember than in this way I am just as guilty as he is...but I still shudder.
Vague details from complex and diverse situations. Bringing tears to my eyes.
It's hard to be a nurse. To be this inside of stories you can't share. Stories you can only hope you remember, and yet know that soon new stories will take the places of these, because while they are huge things in the lives of the ones they belong to, they are fleeting moments in my story. Shaping me, making me into the me that I will be for a little while, but unable to share fully with others to say "This is why I'm who I am, these people created pieces of me."
Share. Share a little of your day. Share a little of who you are, because you are the only one who can.
p.s. Jennie, I have your blog open in another window so that I can listen to your playlist...it's so wonderful. Like you!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Un-Profoundness
So, since last updating I have: turned 23, moved to Winnipeg, started a real job--or at least gone to a week and a half of orientation for said job--, frozen my butt off in Winnipeg, gone skating at The Forks, made waffles and corn chowder and chocolate chip pancakes and french toast(not all at once, or in that order) with my roommates, watched a million movies, gone to church twice, watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice (this weeks Private Practice ended with a song by Sigur Ros!!!!!), and watched the season premiere of LOST.
And now I'm going to cut this update short and go to Tim Horton's with some of my roommates. Since they are pressuring me into coming.
Tomorrow I go to my first day on my unit at the hospital. I'm a little nervous about that, but not really thinking about it. Ha! And this morning, staffing called me at 6:30 to see if I would come do a day shift...I didn't answer my phone. I hope this is not going to be a regular occurence, but I'm pretty sure it will be.
I'll perhaps try to find something profound and wise to say in a little bit. Like later. Or next month.
And now I'm going to cut this update short and go to Tim Horton's with some of my roommates. Since they are pressuring me into coming.
Tomorrow I go to my first day on my unit at the hospital. I'm a little nervous about that, but not really thinking about it. Ha! And this morning, staffing called me at 6:30 to see if I would come do a day shift...I didn't answer my phone. I hope this is not going to be a regular occurence, but I'm pretty sure it will be.
I'll perhaps try to find something profound and wise to say in a little bit. Like later. Or next month.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)