The Perfect Sunglasses and Convertible

Today at work we got scarves that we must wear with our uniforms. Basically, if I had the perfect shades, and a convertible (it doesn't have to be perfect...just a convertible) then I could wrap the scarf around my head and let the ends blow in the wind and I would spend the rest of my life trying to look rich and sophisticated. Maybe I would even get one of those really long cigarette holders.
Which I wouldn't actually smoke.

Just hold.

Unfortunately, the scarf is supposed to be worn like a stewardess scarf. Which is not as fun.

But still more fun than no scarf.
:)

Hug My Flower With Your Eyes

Tree Hugger

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,

"The tree said, "I wish I could be

A different kind of tree,

The cat wished that it was a bee,

The turtle wished that it could fly

Really high into the sky,

Over rooftops and then dive

Deep into the sea.

And in the sea there is a fish,

A fish that has a secret wish,

A wish to be a big cactus

With a pink flower on it.

This is a part of one of my new favorite songs, and today I went for a walk, and I thought about a lot of things, and then later realized that this song is about me. I'm the flower, the tree, the cat, the turtle, and the fish: Never really satisfied with me the way I am.

Which was what I was thinking about as I was walking. I was thinking about the little things about me that are me, but that I am actually ashamed of, which got me thinking that those things are me, and even if they are dorky they are still me, and I need to start embracing those things. So I'm making a little list (this is a blog of lists apparently) of things that I think ya'll ought to know about me:

1. M*A*S*H is the greatest show ever, Hawkeye can make me laugh AND cry in one episode.
2. I laugh at things that no one else thinks are funny, and when no one is around to think I'm crazy for laughing: I laugh and it's OUT OF CONTROL
3. I listen to country music, Christmas music, Christian music, and hymns/worship music. I'll listen to the other stuff too, but I don't know any of it.
4. I'm not really comfortable with swearing. I swear sometimes (for dramatic affect or shock value or on a really bad day out of frustration) and I don't mind when others swear, but I really think that if you can't come up with something different to say you are lacking in imagination.
5. If you don't know me, and you meet me just a heads up: I'm probably not going to say anything more than "Hi, yeah, my names Katie. Nice to meet you. How are you? --- Oh, I'm fine thanks."
6. I don't drink. Not even socially. I just drink wine at my grandma's to scare her and because it tastes like apple juice and is like 0.05% alcohol.
7. (last one for now) I don't read things to find a deeper symbolic philosophical meaning. I read the story, and that's all I take from it, unless the deeper symbolic philosophical meaning is spelled out for me. So there.

I hope ya'll still love me.

And Each One Is a New Day

So it took me til midnight to adapt to staying in Edmonton.
While I really wanted to go to Winnipeg I also found that I was kind of relieved to not be going.
And when I learnt that I could try to talk the co-ordinator into letting me go anyways I found that I didn't really want to fight for it.
So I would say that God wants me to hang out here for a bit longer.
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay here, and learn more about me, more about God, more about me as a nurse, and then hopefully in the next few months find a plan for whatever comes after the next few months.
Which is the worst part because I liked knowing where I'd be in January.
Now I haven't any idea.
Which makes me think that God is saying: "No Katie, Winnipeg is not for you right now, #1 I want you to learn that you are not to worry about tomorrow because each day is a new day, and I am in control, I'm looking out for you and there's no need to plan and stress and worry, and most importantly, #2 The people in Winnipeg do a lot of bowling, and you need a lot of practice."

Well That Window of Opportunity Wasted No Time in Slamming Shut on My Fingers. Ow.

Today I had my interview with the 4th year co-ordinator, the clinical placements co-ordinator, and the student advisor about whether or not going to Winnipeg for my 10 week practicum would be appropriate for me or not. Apparently "it is not in my best interest to go"

So in a 20 minute interview they were able to determine what was best for me. In 20 minutes of making me feel really nervous, and stupid they were able to decide what is in "my best interest". Wow. I mean, even my parent's wouldn't tell me something was "not in my best interest" and they've known me a lot longer than 20 minutes.

So anyway. I had my interview, was told that I'd know by the end of the week, I went home, had lunch, had a nap, woke up and discovered I had an e-mail that said no. So I went to Little Bits, did my volunteer thing, cried in the parking lot, went home and then in order to prevent more crying I ran. And while running (which really is great when you don't want to cry because it is hard to cry and run) I had to make a list.

A list to replace the list of things I was excited for in Winnipeg.
I know that it will not make my disappointment go away, but I know that just dwelling on the things, like Literary Night, that I wanted so bad will not make the next few months any easier.
So here's my list. It's not the greatest, but I need it.

1. Possibly living with Megan and Kyle
2. Volunteering for Little Bits fall classes
3. Keeping my job at Red Arrow
4. Tea dates with Katie if she stays in the city
5. Laughing at Tim Hortons with Jess
6. Visiting the farm
7. Maybe now I'll get to do my placement in the NICU
8. I don't have to go out of my comfort zone now

So this is the list I'm clinging to.
And I can't post the other list. The list of reasons why Winnipeg was going to be so great.
Because for now Winnipeg is on hold.

Perseverance

My friend Megan and I have been riding our bikes to school for the last couple of weeks. It's a great little half hour ride and I really enjoy it. Except for one thing. Well two really. The Hills. On the way to school there is a really long hill coming out of the river valley, it's long because it's switchback. On the way home there's a short but oh-so-steep hill coming out of the other side of the river valley. I can make it up the long switchback hill, but the whole time I'm thinking "oh my goodness, I just need to stop. I should just get off and walk. I should just walk" Even though I know that I can do it.
The funny thing about going up the hill is that in order to not focus on how exhausting it is I let my mind wander to the strangest of things. Like today for example, I was thinking to myself "Yesterday when I went around this corner what was I thinking?" I never did remember.
Then, the hill going home is brutal. Each day I've gotten a bit further up the hill before I've had to give up, and today I made it almost to the very top, but just had to stop before the end.
The interesting thing this time was that when going up that hill today I was thinking about perseverance. I was wondering if I have any. Does the fact that I wanted to stop and walk so badly mean that I have no perseverance? Or does the fact that I kept on going anyway mean that I do in fact have perseverance? Is perseverance doing something because I really want to quit??
I'm not really sure, but I will say that the feeling each time I go a little further is fantastic. And the feeling as I fly down the switchback hill and look out across the river is thrilling.

But the best part is going past the Equine Centre and smelling the horses, wet trees, and wild roses.

Maybe I'm a Communist. But Mostly no.

Tonight I watched Charlie Wilson's War and I felt it was a good movie, but I really like history. This movie in particular not only taught some history but it is relevent to what's going on in our world today. At least it helped me understand a bit more (although perhaps I ought to have understood it better before now...but as I have learnt from nursing school: I am terrible at teaching myself).

There was quite a bit of footage from the actual fighting and it made me a little sick to my stomach. There's this whole part where we are supposed to feel all victorious and whatnot because the Soviet's are being shot out of the sky. In a way this is good. The Afghan people are no longer defenseless against the brutal attacks that were taking so many innocent lives. Yet, at the same time I couldn't help but think of the Soviet soldiers who were dying and feeling sick. I don't know how to describe it. In the movie they showed 3 pilots in helicopters attacking an Afghan village (this was all re-enacted...not actual war footage) and they were portrayed as arrogrant, heartless jerks. They were talking about their girlfriends or whatever back home in a rather rude way as they were firing on the village. The helicopters of course are the first 3 that are blown up by the Afghan people with their new guns from the Americans.

This is where my sadness comes in. Even though it was terrible that the Soviet soldiers were killing so many Afghan people and I am sad for them, but I am also sad for the Soviet soldiers because under the Soviet regime they didn't really have a choice. They were either forced to fight or they were brainwashed to believe that what they were doing was right.

And so when the movie was listing how many Soviet planes and helicopters and tanks were blown up I wanted to cry.

I think I just don't like war.

On that note I am looking forward to being able to watch Passchendaele although I know that this movie will make me cry. For all the people who died: the "good guys" and the "bad guys".

We'll never break even so why not just, I don't know. Just clear the slate off, and start over. Forgive and forget the past things we've done to eachother. Well, don't forget because that would dishonour the dead, but let's forgive. Clean slate people. Clean slate.

Checking Items Off

So it's Tuesday and I have checked the following off my list:
*Riding bike to school with Megan--was fun, and nice, but hard work!
*Finished the Golden Compass today
*Am going to Little Bits in half an hour
*Got my paper back yesterday. Did way better than I ought to have. In fact, I firmly believe
that if I had handed that paper in to my highschool English teacher she would have made me
rewrite it and failed me anyway.
*Kim made it safely home

I can't believe it's Tuesday already!

Upcoming

This week I am looking forward to:
* Last week of classes
* Maybe finding out if I am eligible for an interview to see if I am allowed to go to Winnipeg
* Little Bits on Tuesday
* Working Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday so I can really get in the rhythm of it
* Riding my bike to school tomorrow with Megan
* Finishing The Golden Compass and starting whatever's next
* Cleaning my room on Friday
* The Project next Sunday
* Getting my paper back tomorrow (a little anxious about this one)
* Maybe my tax return will finally come
* and Kim getting safely to Ohio even though I still think she should be here

That's a pretty decent sized list. Especially since summer school is making me DREAD the week.

That's about it. Except I'm totally addicted to driving my new car.