Is it terrible to take a whole line of a song to make it the title of a blog post? Cuz I just did it. And I'm not going to change it. I might even do it again if it works out that a song fits what's going through my mind.
Somewhere on the road between Hecla Island and Winnipeg we were listening to a program on CBC Radio and the hostess of the show was talking to researchers about happiness. Who's idea was it to study happiness anyways? Their results found that money made people happy, but wanting more money made people unhappy. And, even though money is the highest indicator of happiness, the happiest city in Canada is St. John, New Brunswick...not exactly one of the provinces rolling in the dough.
The study also found that children do not make people any happier or less happier.
Jerks. I make my parents happier!
Ultimately, I disagree with the researchers and their results. I don't think that money makes people happier. I do agree that desperately just wanting money makes people unhappier. But I think that "Happy" is too contextual, cultural, and personal to actually be studied with the assumption that the results are completely transferable.
I'd say that my level of happiness fluctuates with a variety of things, and sometimes money may be one of those factors. Sometimes happiness is a choice I have to make. To just let go of some things and find happiness where I am. Sometimes simple things just make me happy. Like a quick hello from someone that lets me know I'm thought of, or something I read or saw or heard that makes me smile, spending time with people, spending time alone, finding balance, window shopping, my job, getting snail mail, making someone's day, finding something new, or something old, sun, rain, snow, summer, winter, spring, fall, a good stretch, a good chat, writing, walking IV, writing about IV, sleeping in, staying up late, watching a good movie, and I could list a lot more, but this would get out of control long.
The point is that, I'm sorry CBC Radio lady, I don't care what the research says, I'm gonna say that I don't agree. I know people with very little money, and they are happy. It's different for everyone, and so stop researching!
I'm going to write about IV now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I Hate Crying (in front of people)
Today was a kind of rough sort of day.
It involved a patient who is in so much pain he was begging for help. Looking me right in the eyes and telling me he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't handle it anymore. Begging me to make it stop.
From there it only got more and more out of control. I found myself spiraling, loads of things to do, but just little things. It was like, "Ok, well I'll change this dressing and then I'll go for my break" and then as soon as the dressing was done there was an order for an IV bolus on another patient, pain meds for the first patient, then the next patient needed paperwork filled out, then it was 11 and time for blood sugars and some 11 o'clock pills and then another patient needed a bolus and the first patient needed some more pain medication, and then some doctor asked me questions about the patient and I have no idea what the answers are, then the patient in pain is complaining about his catheter so I irrigated it, and then bladder scanned him, and then more pain meds, then it was lunchtime meds, and then another patient went for a test and he had a stupid reaction to the meds they gave him in the test so had to be monitored closely, and then needed a bolus, and then in between that I was trying to get my charts done. And then more pain meds for my patient in pain. Then it was 3:30 and I was giving report to the next nurse and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and didn't know about my patients.
And during all of this I was constantly asked by staff if I was doing ok, and if there was anything they could do for me...and I was always "Fine" and I didn't think there was really anything they could do. It wasn't like there was a million things I needed to do at once, it was just a million things one after the other. And everytime I was asked how I was doing, I got a little bit closer to crying. They tried to get me to go on my breaks, and I just got even closer to crying.
And then the real kicker: when you are so worn out, you can barely keep from crying because you are so incredibly disappointed in yourself (despite the fact that you know your expectations are a little too high) and then someone tells you that your patients wife told them that you've been a really good nurse. Who does that? Who tells you nice things when you know that you are the worst nurse in the history of the planet? Because when you are at the end of whatever it is that has gotten you through the day so far, those nice things that you should be proud to hear are actually the hardest things to hear.
The only worse than nice things at that point would be bad things.
And I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just me. It's happened before. In my 2nd year of nursing school my patients wife told me I'd be a great nurse at a time when I felt things were out of my control and I just made it out of the room before bursting into tears. And I hate crying in front of people. It just sucks. My eyes go all red, and my face gets blotchy, my voice gets high pitched, and i get sniffly. Words don't come out properly. It's just a mess! Believe me! If you knew I was crying when I wrote that last paragraph (the one that is a paragraph, not the one that is a sentence) you'd have stopped reading the blog and run for the hills.
Anyway, for some good things about my day (the last 3 days actually) check out this blog ! It's great. I promise!
Goodnight for now, and I promise I'll update sometime and it won't be ridiculous whining/venting.
It involved a patient who is in so much pain he was begging for help. Looking me right in the eyes and telling me he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't handle it anymore. Begging me to make it stop.
From there it only got more and more out of control. I found myself spiraling, loads of things to do, but just little things. It was like, "Ok, well I'll change this dressing and then I'll go for my break" and then as soon as the dressing was done there was an order for an IV bolus on another patient, pain meds for the first patient, then the next patient needed paperwork filled out, then it was 11 and time for blood sugars and some 11 o'clock pills and then another patient needed a bolus and the first patient needed some more pain medication, and then some doctor asked me questions about the patient and I have no idea what the answers are, then the patient in pain is complaining about his catheter so I irrigated it, and then bladder scanned him, and then more pain meds, then it was lunchtime meds, and then another patient went for a test and he had a stupid reaction to the meds they gave him in the test so had to be monitored closely, and then needed a bolus, and then in between that I was trying to get my charts done. And then more pain meds for my patient in pain. Then it was 3:30 and I was giving report to the next nurse and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and didn't know about my patients.
And during all of this I was constantly asked by staff if I was doing ok, and if there was anything they could do for me...and I was always "Fine" and I didn't think there was really anything they could do. It wasn't like there was a million things I needed to do at once, it was just a million things one after the other. And everytime I was asked how I was doing, I got a little bit closer to crying. They tried to get me to go on my breaks, and I just got even closer to crying.
And then the real kicker: when you are so worn out, you can barely keep from crying because you are so incredibly disappointed in yourself (despite the fact that you know your expectations are a little too high) and then someone tells you that your patients wife told them that you've been a really good nurse. Who does that? Who tells you nice things when you know that you are the worst nurse in the history of the planet? Because when you are at the end of whatever it is that has gotten you through the day so far, those nice things that you should be proud to hear are actually the hardest things to hear.
The only worse than nice things at that point would be bad things.
And I don't know if this is normal, or if it's just me. It's happened before. In my 2nd year of nursing school my patients wife told me I'd be a great nurse at a time when I felt things were out of my control and I just made it out of the room before bursting into tears. And I hate crying in front of people. It just sucks. My eyes go all red, and my face gets blotchy, my voice gets high pitched, and i get sniffly. Words don't come out properly. It's just a mess! Believe me! If you knew I was crying when I wrote that last paragraph (the one that is a paragraph, not the one that is a sentence) you'd have stopped reading the blog and run for the hills.
Anyway, for some good things about my day (the last 3 days actually) check out this blog ! It's great. I promise!
Goodnight for now, and I promise I'll update sometime and it won't be ridiculous whining/venting.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Anti-Confidence
So, this morning I was checking Facebook and saw a friend of mine had updated her status to say that she passed her) RN exam. So I jumped up and RAN to the mailbox to see if my results were in there.
They weren't. But Renee's acceptance letter to PrairieView was (congrats again roomie!!).
So, whatever. Disappointment. But there's always tomorrow.
Until now, when it dawned on me that obviously they must send out the fail letters a day or 2 later and that's why I don't have my results yet.
Cuz I updated my status to say that I was jealous of everyone else cuz they had their results and knew they had passed. But one of my friends agreed that she is waiting too. And her last name is Snider...so I thougt "oh, well maybe they haven't mailed the 'S' last names yet. But, then I saw that Angie, who has an S last name knows she passed. And then the answer came to me.
I failed. I must have. And I know that this is ridiculous reasoning. But I can't make it go away. I feel sick, and panicky. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding.
I don't want to have failed.
Oh dear. I need to sleep. But my mind is racing right now. Blah! Blah! Blah!
They weren't. But Renee's acceptance letter to PrairieView was (congrats again roomie!!).
So, whatever. Disappointment. But there's always tomorrow.
Until now, when it dawned on me that obviously they must send out the fail letters a day or 2 later and that's why I don't have my results yet.
Cuz I updated my status to say that I was jealous of everyone else cuz they had their results and knew they had passed. But one of my friends agreed that she is waiting too. And her last name is Snider...so I thougt "oh, well maybe they haven't mailed the 'S' last names yet. But, then I saw that Angie, who has an S last name knows she passed. And then the answer came to me.
I failed. I must have. And I know that this is ridiculous reasoning. But I can't make it go away. I feel sick, and panicky. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding.
I don't want to have failed.
Oh dear. I need to sleep. But my mind is racing right now. Blah! Blah! Blah!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jennie, This is for you...
The wind is brutal today. It is rattling my bedroom window. Brr.
Our landlord and his dad are going to finish the back stairs today and then they aren't doin anymore renovations until summer. That is good good, like GREAT news.
I have 2 more shifts of orientation left to do (but both are nights...). The six weeks have gone really fast, and I know I'm pretty much as ready as I'll ever be to be by myself, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready at all!! But, I just have to get through every day without killing someone. I hope it works!!
Not a lot is actually new. I went home. Rushed around and saw a lot of people, but didn't exactly feel like I got to see a lot of people. I saw them, but only 1 or 2 of them I really feel like I SAW them. Which was refreshing. It was good. Then there were the people I didn't even get to see at all...like...well...yeah. It's a long list, and there's one person in particular who's on top of that list. Sigh.
Let's see. What else shall I say? When I work nights I tend to feel rather delusional. Or hazy. Or out of it. One night I even went down to Timmy's and got a large 2/3 hot-chocolate-1/3 coffee and it made me shaky and jittery all night. So...I won't be doing that again! I'll stick to my water (with a touch of juice so it doesn't taste like the nasty city water it is) and my tea. I love my tea.
Ooh. Speaking of water! I got a new water bottle. It came in the mail. I picked it as my prize from the CIBC Walk/Run for the Cure. I named it...well I'm still trying to pick an appropriate name for it. I want something ridiculously snooty sounding as it is a symbol of my conformity (it's a stainless steel water bottle...). I'm thinking Miss Amelia Ermengarde Stanton IV...or Reginald William Stanton Jr ...or something else. I dunno. It could just be my water-bottle-that-is-a-symbol-of-my-conformity.
Hmm...some highlights from today...
--chatting up micro with Larisa
--finding out our landlord and his dad won't be renovating for a while!!!
--learning how to make a stalker page with Jennie...now I know who's watching me! (well no...I
don't...i just know if people actually look at my blog...)
--watching Garden State with Chrissy
--then watching a few What I Like About You episodes with Renee and Chrissy
--catching up with Kim a little bit...if you read this Kim....I feel sad that I barely talk to you
ever!!!!
--getting an e-mail from a boy who makes me smile
--texting Jess back and forth all day...I know you don't read this...but Jess, you're the
awesomest!!
Lowlights from today....
--COLD
--having to stay up late so I can sleep tomorrow
--not seeing Jen at all...oh Jen...where are you??
--not having a puppy yet...oh when, oh when?
On another note, my room is a disaster, but I have no energy to clean it. None. In fact, I told my aunt and uncle and cousin I'd come visit them in Swan River this weekend but now I am so tired, and feel like I've been busy for so long (working full time, then the busy week home, then working 3 nights, then having 2 days "off" while knowing I have to go back to nights, and then working 2 nights and then having a nap and going on a 7 hour trip. I'm sure it will be nice once I get there, and people are my priority...but I keep thinking I need to clean my room, make muffins (by the way Jennie, I couldn't find my recipe for my muffins and my mom wasn't home to give it to me, and I watched Garden State with Chrissy instead of making you muffins...I hope you can forgice me), do my laundry, study some nursing stuff, and like a million trillion other things I am sure I could come up with if I wanted to. BLah. I need a break. I'm burning out and I've only been a nurse for like 7 weeks!! Apparently phase 2 of being a new grad nurse involves feeling completely exhausted but more confident...I want to feel more confident...but I can't imagine feeling anymore exhausted than I do right now. Sigh. Sigh.
Sigh.
This is beginning to feel like it is out of control long. So I think I'm going to say g'night. G'bye.
Our landlord and his dad are going to finish the back stairs today and then they aren't doin anymore renovations until summer. That is good good, like GREAT news.
I have 2 more shifts of orientation left to do (but both are nights...). The six weeks have gone really fast, and I know I'm pretty much as ready as I'll ever be to be by myself, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready at all!! But, I just have to get through every day without killing someone. I hope it works!!
Not a lot is actually new. I went home. Rushed around and saw a lot of people, but didn't exactly feel like I got to see a lot of people. I saw them, but only 1 or 2 of them I really feel like I SAW them. Which was refreshing. It was good. Then there were the people I didn't even get to see at all...like...well...yeah. It's a long list, and there's one person in particular who's on top of that list. Sigh.
Let's see. What else shall I say? When I work nights I tend to feel rather delusional. Or hazy. Or out of it. One night I even went down to Timmy's and got a large 2/3 hot-chocolate-1/3 coffee and it made me shaky and jittery all night. So...I won't be doing that again! I'll stick to my water (with a touch of juice so it doesn't taste like the nasty city water it is) and my tea. I love my tea.
Ooh. Speaking of water! I got a new water bottle. It came in the mail. I picked it as my prize from the CIBC Walk/Run for the Cure. I named it...well I'm still trying to pick an appropriate name for it. I want something ridiculously snooty sounding as it is a symbol of my conformity (it's a stainless steel water bottle...). I'm thinking Miss Amelia Ermengarde Stanton IV...or Reginald William Stanton Jr ...or something else. I dunno. It could just be my water-bottle-that-is-a-symbol-of-my-conformity.
Hmm...some highlights from today...
--chatting up micro with Larisa
--finding out our landlord and his dad won't be renovating for a while!!!
--learning how to make a stalker page with Jennie...now I know who's watching me! (well no...I
don't...i just know if people actually look at my blog...)
--watching Garden State with Chrissy
--then watching a few What I Like About You episodes with Renee and Chrissy
--catching up with Kim a little bit...if you read this Kim....I feel sad that I barely talk to you
ever!!!!
--getting an e-mail from a boy who makes me smile
--texting Jess back and forth all day...I know you don't read this...but Jess, you're the
awesomest!!
Lowlights from today....
--COLD
--having to stay up late so I can sleep tomorrow
--not seeing Jen at all...oh Jen...where are you??
--not having a puppy yet...oh when, oh when?
On another note, my room is a disaster, but I have no energy to clean it. None. In fact, I told my aunt and uncle and cousin I'd come visit them in Swan River this weekend but now I am so tired, and feel like I've been busy for so long (working full time, then the busy week home, then working 3 nights, then having 2 days "off" while knowing I have to go back to nights, and then working 2 nights and then having a nap and going on a 7 hour trip. I'm sure it will be nice once I get there, and people are my priority...but I keep thinking I need to clean my room, make muffins (by the way Jennie, I couldn't find my recipe for my muffins and my mom wasn't home to give it to me, and I watched Garden State with Chrissy instead of making you muffins...I hope you can forgice me), do my laundry, study some nursing stuff, and like a million trillion other things I am sure I could come up with if I wanted to. BLah. I need a break. I'm burning out and I've only been a nurse for like 7 weeks!! Apparently phase 2 of being a new grad nurse involves feeling completely exhausted but more confident...I want to feel more confident...but I can't imagine feeling anymore exhausted than I do right now. Sigh. Sigh.
Sigh.
This is beginning to feel like it is out of control long. So I think I'm going to say g'night. G'bye.
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