Not to Say They Should Drop Dead but...

Cardiac surgery is incredibly cool. I'm going to learn so much, and my instructor is just fabulous!

BUT The majority of patients there are what we call CABG patients (pronounced like cabbage). Which is short of Coronary Artery Bipass Graft (bipass surgery).
That's what my grandpa had. He had that and he was in the hospital and then he was home and recovering and doing so well and then he dropped dead in a parking lot.
Not that I think all the patients I see are going to go home and 6 weeks later be taken off life support but I worry about them a little, and a little selfish evil part of me says that it's not fair that they're going to be ok.

Clearly my grandpa's death is something that I have still not gotten over.

Somehow that moment when I found out that despite all the prayers he still died my whole perspective of God changed. Or maybe it was myself. I was tested by a trial and struggle and disapointment and I failed miserably. My faith in God doing anything was shaken.
oh wow.
I just realized the strangest thing.
The Christmas before my 4th birthday my Aunt Laura died and my parents called me into their room and I remember my dad was crying and I laughed because I thought he was being silly and my mom explained that my Aunt had died. I don't really remember how that went but I do remember that after I went down the stairs and my grandma met me at the bottom of the stairs and wrapped me in a big hug and I cried.
The day my grandpa died was the day that I went with friends to Malmo to see Mr. Chapel. I still went to see Mr. Chapel because I needed the distraction and when we got to the church Kim was there and she asked how my grandpa was and I just started to cry and she gave me a huge hug while I sobbed in the middle of the church.

Maybe I just need to look for God in a different way. It still doesn't change the fact that I had the wrong hopes and expectations but it recognizing that God was actually there.

He gave me a hug.
2 in fact.
I've been blessed.
I've just gotta learnt to see them instead of just the hurt.